The Middle Years

I really don't remember a lot about starting school. I have vague memories of my Kindergarten classroom and my teacher, Mrs. Oberstein. I have never heard any stories that indicated I had trouble going to school. In fact, I think I was excited. My older brother was in 3rd grade, and I believe I was happy to be going to school like Jimmy. I know that I was a quick learner which contributed to my academic self esteem. I was very small for my age, but don't believe that caused any distress. At this point, I was a secure child who had developed trust and autonomy, which facilitated a smooth transition into the school environment.

My world changed significantly when I was in Second Grade. My parents divorced and my mother, brother, and I moved into an apartment. I was unaware of the fact that my mother was having an affair and was probably not old enough to understand what that meant. My brother was 10 and did understand. He was causing problems for my mom, so she sent him back to live with my dad. In six weeks time, I went from being the baby of what I remember as being a happy family to an only child with a mother entrenched in this new relationship. My mother married the man within a few months, but they were only married for a couple of years.

I did not see my father much during this time. I have no memories of missing him or being sad about not living with him anymore. I was happy to go with him when he came to get me. I think this indicates that I did not have a terribly strong attachment to my father. It was good if I saw him, but ok if I didn't. I started calling my step-father "Daddy" which I remember making my brother very angry. I liked my step-father, but didn't really mind when my mother divorced him. I think calling him Daddy was about not having any friends with divorced parents and wanting to appear like a normal family. Divorce not very common in the 1968.

The years from Second Grade until Sixth Grade were pretty chaotic. My mom married again when I was in Fifth Grade. The years between her marriages returned her to a single lifestyle and she went out straight from work several nights a week. In looking back at that period, I remember it being a time of loneliness and feeling abandoned. Because I was not secure in my ability to count on my mom being present, I became pretty autonomous because I had to take care of myself. I remember wanting to spend time with my mom and doing things to try and please her.

One of my most vivid memories happened when I was in Fourth Grade. It was a Saturday and my mom had gone out for the afternoon to play golf. She was planning on cooking dinner and bought some fresh green beans. She asked me to snap the beans while she was gone. I decided that I would also clean the windows of our apartment. I cleaned the windows and was so proud of the job I had done. Evidently, I really made a mess and they were pretty smeared. I just didn't realize it. After cleaning the windows, I sat down to do what I thought I was supposed to do to the green beans. I misunderstood and thought I was supposed to shell them, not snap them. I had shelled black eyed peas before and thought it was the same process. If you have ever tried to shell a green bean, you know it is not easy. I had worked for what seemed like hours and had a very small pile of beans. I was getting very frustrated because it was so hard. My mom came home and looked at the beans and thought it was funny. She laughed at me, which made me cry. She then saw the windows and was very upset. She told me I had made a huge mess. I desperately wanted some positive attention from my mom and both of my efforts had failed. This was an example of trying to be industrious, but experiencing inferiority.

If you look at my school pictures, not only will you notice the very fashionable hairstyles I had, but you will also notice that I gained weight after my parents divorce. While my parents were married, I came home after school and went outside to play. After the divorce, we lived in an apartment complex that had no other children in it and I was a latch key kid. I came home, stayed in the apartment, watched tv, and obviously ate. It was the beginning of a struggle with my weight that has never been totally under control. I have always been at least 10-15 pounds overweight since that time. When I was in grad school getting my masters, I gained 20 pounds in 2 years. I lost it after graduation, but then gained 30 pounds during my doc work. I lost 20 of that and then was named Interim Department Chair and gained 20 again. I believe that I learned a negative coping skill of eating when tired, bored, or stressed during that very difficult childhood period. Freud would suggest that when my life became chaotic, I reverted back to a period in which my needs were being met. During infancy and early childhood, my mother was very attentive to my needs. Perhaps my eating was an attempt to try and meet those needs on my own since my mother was no longer doing so. I wanted to experience those secure feelings related to being fed as an infant and toddler. Because my attachment figure was no longer available to me, I sought an attachment in the object (food) rather than the person.

(This post is kind of long. I just wanted to give you several examples of applying theory. Yours does not have to be this long. They key is making sure that you are applying theory to your life.)